Given the problem of divorce today, and in particular the shame of it in the Christian community, I think that couples are vigorously eager to believe it won't happen to them. (Notice: "happen to them" - as if it were a passive matter of fate.) So we have all this talk of compatibility to try to ensure that our marriages will "work out" (again, passive). I think what happens is that when a couple really wants to marry each other (because, basically they've "fallen in love") they feel subconciously obliged to convince themselves, and convince those around them that they REALLY ARE compatable. Because if they can't convince themselves or others that the mystical criteria of "compatibility" has been satisfied, then it will appear they have fallen into the trap of simply losing control of themselves through infatuation. And, of course, that would make a decision to marry look foolish because any good Christian has been educated on the difference between "love" and "infatuation."
So we desperately want to justify our "infatuation" as "love." We cling to as many evidences of "compatibility" as we can, and hold them up for others to see, "Look, we're not just infatuated; see these similarities between us! See the mystical evidence that we have been matched which proves we were `Meant to be'!" So, the naive concept of a marriage being successful due to a present feeling of "infatuation" is replaced with the naive concept of a marriage being succesful due to "compatibility." Compatibility theory, in my mind, says, "Don't build your hopes on quicksand, build them on shifting sands!"
"The Marriage Incompatibility Fallacy"
As Christians, it is not sufficient if we see a problem and start philosophizing solutions. In doing so, we'll get it wrong. We must faithfully look to God's word for wisdom if we are to have any hope of applying a correct diagnosis and correct remedy to given symptoms.
The problem I refer to presently is America's divorce epidemic. That divorce is rampant amongst not only the secular world, but all too much amongst the Christian church seems undisputed. That many broken marriage partners will attribute their demise to "incompatibility" or "irreconcilable differences" also seems indisputable. But, this is the crucial point, be careful what you DO with that information. Even the presence of correct data does not imply that particular conclusions drawn from it are correct. (Many sermons and Christian books go wrong precisely by failing to distinguish between what many people think about themselves as opposed to what is actually true about themselves. Consider, hypothetically, deciding whether evangelism is still necessary by taking a survey asking people whether they are depraved sinners in desperate need of a Savior!)
Conventional wisdom of our day, including conventional Christian wisdom, says that something called "compatibility" is of critical, even the utmost, importance for the success of a marriage. But God is the creator of marriage. He's the only One who knows how it should work, for His glory. Did we learn this "very, very important" concept of "compatibility" from Scripture? I don't think so. Here is what I can find the Bible teaching about "Marriage compatibility": #1 Believers are compatible with believers. If you are a single believer, don't marry a non-believer. (1 Cor 7) #2 Man is compatible with woman. In marriage/sex man is not compatible with man, nor woman with woman (Gen 2:22-24; Rom 1:26-27; 1 Cor 6:9). If these two notions are what we mean by "compatibility" then I'm all for it. Beyond that, I think "compatibility" is an anti-Biblical theory that ultimately is a marriage killer, not a successful marriage maker.
Consider Dr. Neil Clark Warren, founder of eharmony.com, and strong advocate of the compatibility philosophy. Here's a quote from his website, "In over 30 years of practice, Dr. Warren has seen literally hundreds of failed marriages", and his conclusion, "In almost every case, these were two persons who should never have married each other! They really didn't belong together. They thought they did, but they were not well matched." From a Christian view, I would say that if we are talking about someone who as a believer married an unbeliever, then yes, it was a not a good decision but now they need to lean on God and trust Him to make good out of it. But otherwise, I say, "Rubbish!" "Two persons who should never have married each other" because they "were not well matched"? Show me the Biblical support for this principle. I don't see it.
I think the reason this philosophy is so prevalent in today's Christian culture is that, even though we never learned it from the Bible (contrived exegetical attempts aside), it doesn't seem harmful. We may admit that it is extrabiblical, but what's the harm? Marriage is important to God, and if these ideas can help make successful marriages, then isn't that a good thing? The problem is that it is NOT a harmless theory; I claim it contradicts a Biblical view of marriage and is indeed harmful.
A struggling couple comes to talk to you. This couple that thought they were "meant for each other" is coming to find out that there is tension in their marriage. They disagree. They're different. They want different things. They like different things. Now say you hold to the view that many couples "really didn't belong together" in the first place. If you are going to be consistent with your philosophy it seems you have two options of advice. "Well, it seems you made a mistake in getting married. But the Bible doesn't allow for divorce. Sorry, but you are doomed to a miserable existence together. Suck it up for the sake of the children," or you can say, "Well, I really don't like divorce, but sadly, in your case, that might be the best option. Hey, next time be much more careful in your selection of a mate so this doesn't happen again, OK?"
In other words, as long as we keep drilling "compatibility" into the single person's mind, we shouldn't be surprised when the word pops out in divorce proceedings. That's only fair, isn't it? And when it does, it seems to me an honest promoter of "compatibility" must concede the death of marriage. Yet we try to have it both ways. To seeking singles we say, "Compatibility is utterly critical to a successful marriage." To struggling couples, "You have to learn to work at your differences and get along." I contest that you can't have it both ways! If compatibility is so utterly critical, then don't blame couples for wanting to split up over it! Scripture, on the other hand, doesn't "have it both ways" because Scripture doesn't teach us the notion of compatibility in the first place.
What does Scripture teach about marriage? I'll identify two of the major themes on marriage that resonate throughout Scripture. "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..." (Eph 5, Col 3:19, 1 Pet 3:7) Love her, love her, love her. That's a clear message to husbands. And to wives: "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him", "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord." (Gen 2, Eph 5:22, 1 Pet 3) My summary of the key teachings: "Love her, help him."
Do couples struggle with their differences? Of course, it will always be so. I don't deny the "data." But we must read the data with Biblical wisdom. The Biblical diagnosis is not "incompatibility", as if, "too bad you weren't careful enough and so you got the wrong one." Rather, the Bible drives straight to the point and says, "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..." Love her. There are going to be frustrating differences. Love her. You are going to have to learn to change and adapt and sacrifice. Love her. It's going to be hard. Love her. It's going to be painful. Love her. How did Christ love the church? He gave himself up for her. That's a costly love. And such a costly love, I'd say, is the Bible's primary prescription for a godly marriage. Not "find someone as compatible as possible," but, "pay the price of costly love." Love her.
Scripture doesn't have much (if anything) to say about "partner selection" (other than the two clear principles mentioned above). Rather, Scripture seems to presume that in one way or another (arranged marriages, the watering of camels, etc.) people do end up married. And it is at THIS point that Scripture clearly chimes in. No matter WHO this "husband" and "wife" are that have ended up married, no matter what their similarities or differences, God's Word gives the same instruction. Love her, help him. No "incompatible" excuses to fall back on. When the couple claiming "irreconcilable differences" or "incompatibility" goes to the Bible instead of a psychologist as their counselor, I believe Scripture responds, "I'm not familiar with these words you are using. Let me question you in terms I am more familiar with. Are you loving her and treating her with respect? (Eph 5:25, 1 Pet 3:7) Are you submitting to him and respecting him? (Eph 5:22,33)"
Again, friends, if I'm wrong, don't be silent. Write back and correct me. But if this is true, let's stop promoting the false diagnosis of "compatibility" and rather examine our situation in Scriptural terms. Husbands, love your wives. Love her with a costly love. That call is a hard call. It is easier at times to give up and say, "We're incompatible", but such words are foreign to Scriptural teaching. I see no place for this concept, and would rather leave the present or future married man's ears ringing with more Scriptural terms: Love her, love her, love her. Though it slay you, love her.
Appendix: One misunderstanding which I need to clarify is that I never intended in this article to say, "It doesn't matter who you marry, everyone is equally suitable." By no means! Even if we are talking within the Christian community, not every person is equally prepared to be a godly spouse. But the point is that compatibility is not at all the issue. Rather the issue is whether a man or woman is in submission to Christ by obedience to His word. In other words, if a Christian man or woman has clear and serious gaps in their character, and are not humbly seeking to change and be changed, then I would not advise another Christian to marry them. The problem is not that the TWO OF THEM are incompatible as a "match", the problem is that one (or both) of them are not prepared to be a godly spouse TO ANYONE. Likewise, if a man or woman does not have a Biblically grounded understanding of marriage, or is resistant and unwilling to accept important Biblical teachings such as "Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church" and "Wives, submit to your husbands", then I would not advise these people to be married until they understand and accept what the Bible has to say about sacrificial love and marriage.
So indeed there is a necessary place for "discernment" in finding a spouse. (See my paper, "Why the arranged marriage system is better" for some thoughts on the spouse selection process.) But instead of "compatibility", I believe this discernment should look for godly character and submission to the teachings of Scripture.